


I’m perfectly able to hold my own hand, but I still can’t kiss my own neck

by voices_in_my_head



Category: Triple Frontier (2019)
Genre: no one dies, set in the film universe but AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 12:25:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18388403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voices_in_my_head/pseuds/voices_in_my_head
Summary: "It isn’t awkward but there’s a lot of unsaid stuff between the two of them.Santiago doesn’t even remember when it started. He just knows that one day he realized that his eyes were wandering too often and for too long on Benny. DADT was still a thing but even if it wasn’t, adding sex in a six-months mission in the middle of nowhere was a bomb waiting to go off. And then DADT wasn’t a thing but the missions still were. And then he left."AU where Santiago decides to simply move back to the US and not to get the band back together for a suicide mission.





	I’m perfectly able to hold my own hand, but I still can’t kiss my own neck

**Author's Note:**

> So, I was like an hour into the film and thought "they're all going to die, must think of an AU where this doesn't happen" and an hour later not everyone had died, but I was already too into this idea to let it go so.
> 
> As the summary says, AU where Santiago goes back to the US, but to live instead of getting the team get back together for a suicide mission.
> 
> To the 10 people reading this: you the real MVP.

Benny has a nosebleed. Considering Santiago just saw him get punched at least five times, he’s lucky that’s all he’s got, though from the way he’s holding onto his side, Santiago’s going to add sensitive ribs to the list. Hopefully nothing is actually broken.

It’d be just like Benny to have made it out of a long list of deadly war zones to get permanently injured from a boxing match.

“Come on, you big baby, head up,” William says as the three of them, plus Fish and Redfly, walk towards the lockers, the sound of their footsteps being swallowed up by the crowd that’s started partying behind them.

“I thought you put your head down,” Benny says, his voice muffled from his hand, but does what William says. Santiago knows he’s arguing just to be a little shit, since they all had first aid classes and one of the first lessons could be pretty much summed up in “yes, I know you knuckleheads have been told to put your head down if you have a nosebleed. I’m here to tell you you’re wrong.”

“Don’t be a dick. Now, how are the ribs?” William asks and Santiago smiles at their backs. William is barely four years older than Benny but he acts more like a parent than anything else. Santiago gets it; if one of his siblings had followed him into war, he would have gained a lot more white hairs, to say the least.

“They’re fine, mom,” Benny answers, whining tone and everything. This time Santiago looks for someone to share the smile with; Fish is already looking his way and from the looks of it, struggling not to laugh out loud.

Santiago doesn’t bother not making a sound at that. Both brothers look behind after hearing it. William rolls his eyes at him before turning back around, but Benny’s eyes linger on Santiago, whose laughter drops, though the smile continues playing around his lips.

Benny looks away and Santiago knows it’s dumb, but he swears he suddenly feels colder. He feels eyes on him and turns to Fish, who has a raised eyebrow pointed his way.

Santiago would dearly like to pretend he doesn’t know what the question is about, but they’ve been through too goddamn many situations where their only way of communication was a glance to do that. Still, if Santiago just ignores the question, Fish will drop it. For now.

It’s his own fault, anyhow. He’s the one who left Colombia and moved to the town his old squad mates all live at, even though it isn’t actually the one he grew up in.

But his parents are dead and his siblings all have their own lives, and all over the country too. It’s been a lot of years of Thanksgiving at Tom’s, anyway. Whoever said you could only have one home?

Fish still has a raised eyebrow. Santiago shakes his head, a promise for later. Fish nods and looks away; he’ll hold him to that, Santiago knows. It’s alright, he’s kind of looking forward to it. Not the awkward conversation of “so, hey, we all know you and Benny had some weird thing going on that you never solved back then, not least because of DADT, but mostly because sleeping with the guy who has to watch your back plus three guys’ is a sure way for getting someone killed” but the part where he hasn’t had a real friend close by in years.

Colombia is where he was born, but it’s not where his family is.

Benny and William go inside the lockers room, still arguing, and Santiago turns to Tom. “So, Tess started to think of college yet?”

“God, don’t remind me of it.”

“You more worried ‘cuz your baby girl is growing up or because of the debt she’s about to go into?”

“Fuck, don’t remind me of that either. Should have made her learn a second language; college in Europe is way cheaper.”

Santiago laughs though it isn’t a joke and even if it was, it wasn’t that funny. Still, he missed these guys.

“What does she want to study, anyway?” Santiago asks, trying to get the conversation back on track, but also genuinely curious. He still remembers when Tess wanted to be the first woman on the moon.

“Art,” Tom says and Santiago nods.

“She’s always had an eye for it,” he says, remembering all the postcards he’s got from her over the years and how you can certainly see her drawings improving.

“Yeah,” Tom agrees and he sounds proud as hell. Santiago is glad for him; he hopes him retiring has improved his relationship with his daughters. “So, you back for good, Pope?” he asks, changing the subject.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“What happened to cleaning up your home?”

“I got old.”

“Get out of here, you’re younger than I am,” Tom says and Fish laughs.

“You know what I mean. It got harder and harder to believe that this time, putting away this one gangbanger was going to change everything. But you put one gang boss down, two more take his place.”

“You depressive as shit.”

“You’d be too if you saw cops killing unarmed men.”

“Shit,” Fish says and Santiago nods. Before they can either resume the conversation or move on, William and Benny leave the lockers room.

“We good to go, boys?” William asks.

“I gotta run. It was good seeing you and all, but the ladies are expecting me,” Fish says.

“Come on, man, it’s the first time we’re seeing Pope in years,” Benny says but Fish is already shaking his head.

“I get it, man,” Santiago cuts in. He smiles at Fish, “if I had a beautiful baby at home like you, I wouldn’t want to spend too much time without her either.”

Fish smiles back, “how about you all come on by Sunday afternoon? I’ll cook you a good old American BBQ. Tom, bring the girls.”

Tom nods and Fish gives Benny a quick hug, “it was a good fight, hombre. But you gotta stop letting them punch you so much.”

Benny smiles toothily at him, “makes them feel cocky.”

“You’d know all about that, eh,” Fish shoots back but Benny just laughs good-naturedly. Fish moves to Santiago and they hug too.

“Come on by tomorrow, meet the wife and baby,” he tells him in Spanish and Santiago nods.

“You got it, brother.”

“See ya Sunday,” Fish says and then he’s out.

“I got an early morning tomorrow, sorry boys,” Tom says.

“You’re such an old man,” Benny says.

“Yeah, so show some respect to your elders.” Benny, in true Benny fashion, sticks his tongue out. Santiago bites the inside of his cheek to keep the smile from showing, even though he can almost see the smug look from Benny he’d get. He always did like to make people smile, that one.

“I’ll see you Sunday at Fish’s. You boys be good,” Tom says and hugs Santiago too before leaving. It’s been too long since he’s been home.

“You better not be ditching us too,” Benny warns, pointing a finger threateningly at Santiago, who puts both hands up in a surrender motion.

“I don’t have neither a baby nor a job to get to. I’m all yours tonight, gentlemen,” he offers and almost swallows his tongue after that. Benny sends him a look while William snorts, though he thankfully refrains from commenting.

“Come on,” he says and puts an arm around Santiago’s shoulders, “I know just the place.”

“Oh, fuck that,” Benny says and the three of them start walking. “You always choose the worst bars.”

“It’s a small town, it’s not like there’s much choice.”

“You always choose the expensive ones.”

“I’m not listening to complains from a guy who drinks in places which haven’t washed their glasses since 1995.”

Santiago laughs at that and receives an approving nod from William.

Benny makes a betrayed sound, which just makes Santiago laugh harder. Yeah, it’s good to be home.

.

In the end, William and Benny had come to an agreement and the bar they end up at is nice. Not over the top where all Santiago sees is men in suits chilling after a day in the office, but not so rundown that he’s half afraid of what exactly he’ll touch if he puts a hand down without first looking.

They find a table by a corner, mandatory for the paranoid shits they all are, and Benny goes to get them beers.

“So, you know what you going to do next?”

“No idea,” Santiago says. “It should feel freeing, but I honestly just feel tired.”

William nods, “you know, my brother got three concussions last year. Plus the broken ribs, dislocated shoulder… He’s not getting any younger either.”

“What are you trying to get at?” Santiago asks.

“Nothing,” William puts both hands up. “I’m just saying I don’t think any of us is exactly in a good place, so don’t feel like you’re the only fuck-up.”

“Thanks, that makes me feel better,” Santiago says and it was supposed to sound ironic, but instead he finds he means it. It is nice to know he’s not the only one feeling adrift, “Fish seems to be doing alright.”

“He’s on probation for smuggling coke.”

“Shit,” Santiago says.

“And Tom hates his job more than anyone I’ve ever seen. But he has two homes to support now and it’s not like any of us have that good of a skillset to offer the market.”

“You seem to be doing alright,” Santiago offers.

William raises an eyebrow, “like I said, not a lot of skillsets to offer.”

“Benny doesn’t fight full-time, right?” Santiago asks, wanting to change the subject.

“Nah, I’m a PT,” Benny says, sitting down and putting down the beers. William and Santiago grab theirs and toast, “cheers.”

“A PT, for real?”

Benny shrugs, “it’s good money.”

William laughs, “it’s just cougars enjoying the view. I’ve met him for lunch after one training sessions and his t-shirt was tight.”

Benny shrugs again, unashamed, “flash what you have. Nothing shameful about it.”

Santiago laughs. He’s missed all of them, but there’s something about Benny that has always felt like a breath of fresh air. It’s probably because he’s the youngest, but it’s always felt like they’d been able to keep a part of him innocent, even though his hands certainly weren’t clean of blood.

“Anyway, what we talking about?”

“Pope needs a job.”

Benny leans back on his chair, running his eyes over Santiago, who has to force himself not to react. “I’d share my cougars with you. Some of them like a little grey in their PT’s.”

“Fuck off,” Santiago says, laughing. He takes a sip of his beer.

“Nah, but for real man, it ain’t a bad job. Boring, sure, and you will have to deal with the occasional sexual harassment but they do know how to listen to a no, I’ll give them that.”

“Thanks, but as great as that offer sounds, I think I’ll pass.”

Benny shrugs, “suit yourself. Guess you could always try the whole “I’ve never felt prouder than with the flag on my shoulder” spiel.”

“You heard his speeches?” Santiago asks. William is just smiling and drinking.

“Yeah. He’s good, made me think of going back and everything.”

“Yeah?” Santiago asks and it’s like there’s a sudden weight on his stomach. But William is still chill, which Santiago is pretty sure he wouldn’t be if Benny really was serious about going on another tour so he forces himself to relax and take another sip of his beer.

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t be the same without you guys.”

Santiago smiles.

“You know, you could join the police force here.”

“Maybe,” Santiago replies.

“You done with looking over your shoulder for a while?” William asks and he’s studying Santiago attentively. There’s a reason he got offered the motivational speaker job.

Santiago doesn’t answer right away. “Is it wrong to feel like… I’ve given enough? Hell, not just to one country, but to two. Plus, the half a dozen we bled in.”

“Fuck no, man. You got nothing to be ashamed of,” William says and puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah, dude, I think we all deserve a well-rested break,” Benny concurs.

“Yeah, but it’s… Fuck, don’t listen to me. I’m just… rambling. I need more booze, that’s what I need.”

“Damn right, son!” Benny exclaims and gets up. “I’m getting us some real drinks.”

He goes back to the bar. William squeezes Santiago’s arm before letting go, “you know I’m here if you want to talk, man. And so’s Benny, though he’s…”

“A bit lost too?” Santiago fills in and William sighs.

“Yeah. It actually wasn’t all that easy to make him drop the idea of going back.”

“What did make him change his mind?”

William shrugs, “I told him that if he went back, then so would I.”

“Yeah, I figured. He could have called your bluff, you know?”

“It wasn’t a bluff.”

Santiago smiled, “I figured that too.”

“Here ya go, best Kentucky’s bourbon.”

“The cougars do pay you well,” Santiago jokes and Benny laughs as he puts down the three glasses.

“I may pull my shirt up to wipe my forehead more times than I have to.”

“I thought they were the ones doing the training?”

Benny shrugs and smirks, leaning down, “gotta show them the ropes.”

Santiago laughs again, picking up his drink. He feels relaxed like he hasn’t in a very long time.

“To Pope being home,” William raises his glass and offers as a toast.

“To Pope,” Benny concurs.

“Cheers,” Santiago says and they toast. Then there’s a lot more drinking.

.

“Alright boys, I have an early flight in the morning. Got a talk in Miami tomorrow,” William says and gets up. He sways just a bit on his feet, but his eyes seem sober enough and Santiago knows he isn’t driving anyway. “It’s good to have you back, brother,” he bends down to hug Santiago, who pats his back loudly.

“It’s good to be back,” Santiago replies. William stands back up.

“Don’t do anything stupid, Benny boy.”

“Fuck you, man,” is Benny’s response and William shows him the finger before walking away.

“Good to see some things don’t change,” Santiago says.

Benny shrugs but doesn’t seem to have a response and they’re silent. It isn’t awkward but there’s a lot of unsaid stuff between the two of them.

Santiago doesn’t even remember when it started. He just knows that one day he realized that his eyes were wandering too often and for too long on Benny. DADT was still a thing but even if it wasn’t, adding sex to a six-months mission in the middle of nowhere was a bomb waiting to go off. And then DADT wasn’t a thing but the missions still were. And then he left.

Back then, Santiago knew Benny was interested. He was younger and definitely not very good at hiding his interest. But a couple of talks from William – and probably Tom and Fish too – had kept him straight and they’d never actually discussed it.

They’d come pretty close once, after they’d all come home permanently, but before Benny could really get into the conversation, Santiago had said, “I’m moving to Colombia.”

He hadn’t been running away. He really had wanted to do good in the country where his parents had been born. At least that’s what he’d told himself at the time. In hindsight… Maybe he had run away. With Benny’s eyes on him now, it felt like a stupid choice.

“How’ve you really been, man?” Santiago asks, wanting to fill the silence, but mostly just really wanting to know how Benny’s life has been going. Out of the whole team, he was the one he least kept in touch with, instead hearing about him from William.

“Been dating a lot, but nothing that’s lasted.”

“The cougars?” Santiago asks and Benny sends him a look that calls him an idiot without words needing to be said out loud.

“No, a couple guys from the gym. William’s set me up a few times too. Grindr’s pretty good for it too. You guys have it in Colombia?”

Santiago blinks. There’s definitely a challenge somewhere in that sentence. “Probably. Online dating never been my thing anyway.”

“I think dating in general’s never been your thing,” Benny says and takes a sip from his drink. His eyes don’t leave Santiago’s, however, and he feels stuck in place.

“Benny…” Santiago starts but closes his mouth after just that one word. He doesn’t really know what to say.

Benny is quiet for a couple minutes, just studying Santiago. Finally, he sighs, “look, let’s just… I’m sick of thinking about the what ifs, alright man? So I’m gonna make it easy. You want to get out of here? If you say yes, we go to my place and have a good time. Don’t need to have sex or anything, just enjoy ourselves. If you say no… that’s perfectly alright too, but I ain’t gonna be waiting around no more.”

“I never asked you to wait,” Santiago replies, deciding to focus on the later part of Benny’s statement for the moment.

“You’re right, you didn’t. I did that to myself.”

“Why?” Santiago asks and it feels like he’s fishing for compliments but fuck it, it was Benny who brought it up. Santiago would have probably been happy to pretend things were as normal as ever – until Fish forced his head out of his ass, anyway.

Benny studies him again. The whole team liked to assess people; almost mandatory for a Special Ops team, but everyone had their own way of doing it. Tom’s was a bit cold; he would always expect the worst outcome from a person first and foremost. Fish was real good at knowing people from just a few looks and William seemed to be running drills inside his mind, like he was imagining all these situations and how they could play out.

Benny… He looked at people like he wanted to see them whole. Past, present and future. He didn’t always look that way, though. Out of all of them he had probably been the easier going one. If the team was chill, he was chiller. But there had been moments.

Santiago had never gotten used to the feeling, but he couldn’t say he was bothered by it. It would have probably felt worst if Benny had stopped looking at him like that.

“I know you felt the same connection I did, Pope. And look, I know it was the wrong time, wrong place, alright? And then you left and I fully respect that; I’m proud of your choices, man. But now you’re here and… the minute I saw you, it was like no time had passed. You know, you could have come back with some crazy mission, set in the middle of the fucking jungle, desperate mess written all over it and I’d still have gone right along with it. ‘Cuz you’re you. And I’m me.”

Santiago doesn’t reply right away. Benny doesn’t say anything else; he’d said his piece and now he’s waiting for a response.

Santiago knows that Benny meant it when he said that he’d never bring it up again if Santiago told him no now. And this was his one chance. Even if he regretted it later… He doesn’t want to be the type of person who strings someone along.

He also definitely doesn’t want to be an old man filled with regrets either.

“Let’s get out of here,” he says and Benny’s face breaks in a smile. Fuck, Santiago actually really wants to kiss him.

It isn’t a new thought but it might just be the first time that he doesn’t immediately force his mind to move on. Instead, he can actually wonder about it. Build expectation. Benny is sending him a look like he’s doing the exact same; something tells Santiago that contrary to him, it probably isn’t Benny’s first time thinking about it.

Benny pays for the drinks that hadn’t already been paid, quickly putting his hand over Santiago’s when he goes to get his wallet.

“I won the fight tonight, remember?” He asks and his hand is still on Santiago’s.

“Yeah, so I should be buying the winner drinks.”

Benny smiles, “don’t worry, you can congratulate me a different way.” He winks and finally lets go, grabbing his own wallet.

Santiago doesn’t blush. He can’t actually remember the last time he blushed, but he still feels himself getting warmer underneath his layers. It isn’t his first time being so blatantly propositioned, but it’s the first one where the stakes have been so high.

This could end up blowing up in their faces. After all, they’re like family. If this goes sideways and they’re incapable of looking each other in the face, it’s going to fuck up the whole team’s dynamic.

“I can hear you thinking from here,” Benny says and he’s putting away his wallet, apparently having paid the bill while Santiago had his head up in the clouds.

“You know this could be the worst mistake of our lives.”

Benny raises an eyebrow, “you sure know how to make a guy feel special. How many times have you been shot?”

Santiago rolls his eyes, “this is different and you know it.”

“Yeah,” Benny leans forward and whispers the next words into Santiago’s ears, “there’ll be no pain involved. Unless you like it a bit rough, of course. I’m always happy to oblige.”

Santiago can’t help but to look sideways and of course, Benny is looking smug as fuck, like the cat who got the canary, but there’s something in the way he’s moving his eyes that betrays that he’s nervous too. It would definitely be easier to walk away if it wasn’t there.

They stare at each other for a little longer. Santiago can’t think of a response, instead trying very hard to make sure he doesn’t get a hard-on in public.

Finally, Benny leans back and now he looks more nervous than anything else, “sorry man, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. Just ‘cuz you’ve said yes, doesn’t mean you can’t say no now.”

Santiago puts a hand on Benny’s wrist and squeezes, “I know. And I’m not uncomfortable. I was just… surprised. This isn’t exactly the way we talk to each other.”

Benny studies him for a second, “yeah? Do you want me to stop?”

Santiago smiles and takes a step closer; he hears the indrawn breath Benny takes. “You can keep going,” he says and Benny glances down at him and smiles back.

In for a penny and all that.

“Come on,” Benny says and entwines their fingers. Santiago is pretty sure the bar they’re in isn’t the safest place to be doing that, plus there’s a good chance someone will recognize Benny but if he doesn’t care, then neither does Santiago.

He doesn’t exactly have a reputation to worry about.

The two of them had certainly drunk their fair share during the night, but they’d slowed down as time had gone on and the cold air hits Santiago full in the face, sobering him up a bit more.

They walk silently to the back of the bar, where Benny’s car is parked. Santiago comes really close to grabbing Benny and pushing him against the door of the car. He can already imagine the way his eyebrows would rise in surprise and how his pupils would dilate when Santiago moved in closer.

But now that he’s actually giving himself the chance to imagine how the night will go, he finds that he quite likes the anticipation. Will their first kiss be full of teeth and a fight for dominance? Or is it going to be soft? Santiago genuinely has no idea; he can imagine it both ways. Benny literally ripping his clothes off him, or Benny holding onto his face with both hands, like he’s something fragile to hold.

“What are you thinking about?” Benny asks once they’re onto the highway and Santiago is staring at him. Benny gives him quick glances back but can’t exactly give him his full focus.

“You,” Santiago answers and this gets him a surprised look from Benny.

“Yeah, what about me?” Benny asks and his voice has gone deeper. Santiago can’t help but to move around in the seat, uncomfortable in his jeans, which aren’t even that tight. At least they weren’t when he first put them on.

Santiago didn’t actually think this through. He doesn’t want to tell Benny that he’s wondering how their first kiss will go – and by this point the chances of that not happening are seeming so far away as to not even count – but he doesn’t know what else to say either.

“It’s not important,” he finally settles on.

Benny smiles his way before turning his attention back on the road, “I doubt that but keep your secrets.”

“Not secrets, just…” Santiago passes a hand through his face, “you know, I don’t think I’m used to this anymore.”

“What?” Benny sends him a dubious look, “getting with someone?”

Santiago laughs, “actually, it has been a while. But I was talking about… I don’t know, normal conversation. I was in Colombia for three years and I don’t think there’s anyone I’ll try to keep in touch with. That’s sad, isn’t it?”

Benny shrugs, not looking away from the road in front of him, “I don’t know. One of my boyfriends dumped me because he thought I was too dependent on my brother so what the hell do I know about healthy relationships.”

Santiago studies him for a few seconds, “I don’t think you’re dependent. And even if you were… I wouldn’t blame you.”

“Yeah,” Benny laughs a bit and it’s strained and not at all amused.

“He told me you seriously pondered going back.”

Benny squeezes the wheel tighter. Santiago watches as his knuckles grow whiter and then how with a deep exhale, he relaxes them again.

“Yeah.”

Santiago doesn’t fill the silence, instead lets it draw out, waits for Benny to speak. And if he doesn’t want to talk about it, that’s alright too.

“I was good at it. That’s a horrible thing to say, right? They give us all these medals and they say we should be proud of what we did… But we still killed people. And yeah, man, some of them… they were real shits. But there’s innocent blood there too.”

“War’s never clean.”

“No, it isn’t. But that ain’t an excuse,” a pause. Then, “anyway, I was good at it. Here, the civilian world… I’m not that good.”

“I thought you were doing well,” Santiago says, paying him his full attention.

“I’m getting the shit pummeled out of me on a regular basis and I keep getting my ass grabbed by women old enough to be my mother. Living the best life, I am,” Benny finishes in a singing tone, but quickly sighs after, like he’s deflating.

Santiago studies him for a few seconds, “I think we’re all fucked up. I mean, if you’d told me five years ago that Redfly would now be trying to sell houses…”

Benny laughs and this time it doesn’t sound as fake. He glances at Santiago, “he’s not even good at it.”

Santiago joins in the laughter, “I think your brother is the one with his life better figured out.”

“Yeah, and he’s about to die from boredom.”

“Better than from a bullet wound,” Santiago says and Benny nods.

“Yeah,” he agrees and then they’re silent.

They remain that way until Benny turns a left and parks the car in front of a garage. It’s a small house, just one floor but it’s still… something. Santiago was expecting a studio, maybe. Not a full house.

“Got a nice discount on it last year. The daughter of one of my clients wanted to get rid of it ASAP.”

“It looks nice,” Santiago says and hates how fake his voice sounds. He can’t remember the last time he complimented someone’s place. Hell, he can barely remember the last time he was in a place outside of his shitty apartment, which had been more of a place for him to crash and occasionally eat a microwavable meal than anything else.

“Do you want a beer?” Benny asks as he opens the door.

“I’m alright,” Santiago answers and follows Benny in, closing the door behind him. Benny turns around.

“Yeah? Me too,” and then he leans in.

It’s different from what Santiago was expecting. Benny’s lips are barely touching his. Santiago’s had more action from an accidental lip lock with a family member when he was going for a cheek peck.

It’s still unlike every other kiss he’s had in his life. He sighs onto it and Benny moves closer, taking the opportunity to deepen the kiss.

Santiago closes his eyes and grabs onto Benny, one hand on his waist, the other at the back of his neck. He starts playing with the short hair there and is rewarded with a moan.

He smiles onto the kiss and then pulls on the hair just a little bit. Benny’s moan is louder this time. Then he bites Santiago’s lower lip and they have to separate because Santiago can’t stop laughing.

“You bit me,” he says and can’t even bother to pretend being offended.

“You pulled my hair,” Benny counters and Santiago shrugs.

“You liked it.”

“Yeah,” Benny says and then kisses him again.

It doesn’t start as softly as the first one, but it doesn’t feel like a battle between the two of them either. Instead, it’s like… A bit like coming home after a long time away. There’s the finding out the things that have changed in his absence, but also the sense of familiarity, like the real important things haven’t changed.

Kissing Benny doesn’t feel like the tremendous change Santiago was fearing. Instead it feels like a small step that had really just been waiting there to be taken. It feels inevitable.

They’re grabbing onto each other and then Benny starts moving back and Santiago follows his lead, expecting to be taken to the bedroom, but instead Benny pushes him down onto the sofa. He straddles his lap and Santiago puts both hands on his hips. It feels incredibly hot.

“Hello,” Benny whispers and touches their noses together. It’s ridiculously soft and Santiago feels his heart squeezing.

There’ll be no coming back from this, he can see it now. He also can’t find it in himself to give a single damn about it.

“Hi,” Santiago replies and squeezes his hips. Benny smiles.

“You know what I’d really like to do?”

Santiago raises an eyebrow, “tell me.”

“I’d like to suck you off. I’ve imagined it doing a lot of times.”

“Yeah?” Santiago’s throat feels dry.

“Yeah, for a very long time too.”

Santiago kind of wants to know more, but mostly his lower parts are telling him to stop talking and just get down to business.

“You’re welcome to it,” he says and Benny laughs.

“It sounds like you’re doing me the favor.”

Santiago shrugs, but he’s still smiling, enjoying the back and forth. “You’re the one who’s been imagining this.”

“Oh, so you’re feeling magnanimous, are you?” At Santiago’s surprised look, he continues, in a slightly offended tone, “I read, you know.”

“Of course,” Santiago laughs, “my apologies.”

 Benny makes a sound in his throat, then he licks Santiago’s throat, who doesn’t even try to stop a moan from escaping him.

“Where were we?” He asks against his throat and Santiago can feel Benny’s smile on his skin.

“You wanted to suck me off.”

“Oh right, I did want that.”

“Don’t want to anymore?” Santiago asks and has to try very hard to keep a relaxed tone, and not to start begging because Benny has started a slow and torturous rhythm against his lap, barely moving his hips and Santiago is starting to feel the pressure. It’s definitely been too long.

“I didn’t say that. Just, you know, I wasn’t feeling the appreciation.”

“Oh? Can’t have that, now can we,” Santiago says and he just can’t seem to stop smiling. He moves his hands to Benny’s ass and squeezes. Benny moans.

“Am I doing it better than the cougars?”

“God, don’t ruin the moment,” Benny says and Santiago laughs.

They kiss again and it’s slow. Not particularly gentle, there’s teeth and saliva everywhere, but it doesn’t feel like they’re on a timer either.

Benny breaks contact with an audible pop. He winks, “guess I better get to it,” and then he slowly moves down Santiago’s body, who leans his neck backwards onto the sofa, so that his eyes are on the ceiling. Then he realizes that this means he’s missing the look on Benny’s face and there’s an audible noise from his neck from how fast he moves it back down.

Benny doesn’t seem to have noticed it, too busy opening Santiago’s zipper, who swallows at the sight. Once it’s open – which was done very, very slowly – Benny moves his head upward, so that Santiago can see all of him. He’s smiling, ridiculously sexy and smug as fuck. If Santiago could force his thoughts to focus for more than a couple seconds, he’d try and be upset about it. As it is, he’s just trying very hard not to embarrass himself with any stupid sound.

“Does it still feel like you’re doing me a favor?” Benny asks in his deep voice and in another universe, Santiago actually came up with a good response. In this one, he just shakes his head because Benny is really, really close to his dick and he’ll do something truly awful if he ruins that for himself.

Benny puts his hands on Santiago’s hips, by his jeans, and starts pulling them down. Santiago raises himself a bit so that they can pass by his ass more easily. He starts pulling down his boxers as well but Benny stops him.

“Leave them,” he says and then blows on his dick through the fabric.

Santiago is pretty sure that this is how he’s going to die. Oh, but what a way to go.

Benny licks him through his boxers and Santiago moans.

“Alright, now you can take them off,” Benny says and he sounds a bit breathless. His pupils are blown wide and before taking off his underwear, Santiago can’t help but to lean down and pull Benny a little bit up so that they can kiss. He puts a hand on his cheek and strokes it.

It’s not a very long kiss. Not that Santiago doesn’t feel capable of kissing Benny for hours on end, but his dick is still clearly very much interested in the other plan, so he pulls away and once again, raises himself so that his boxers can join his jeans by his knees.

He should probably take them off but that would be time missed, what with still needing to take off his shoes and socks. And then of course it would be pretty stupid to just keep his shirt on. Jesus, he’s about to get a blowjob and he’s still mostly dressed.

Santiago’s train of thought is stopped in its tracks by the feel of warmth surrounding his dick. He looks down and Benny is just really going for it.

It feels ridiculously pornographic, the way he’s bobbing his head. There’s saliva – possibly Santiago’s pre-come too – running down his chin and Santiago is absolutely not going to last.

He’s pretty sure that Benny will just feel smug over it and not mock him at all, but Santiago wants this to last.

Benny moves his mouth away with a pop, “you can grab my hair if you want to.”

Santiago exhales audibly, “jesus, you’re going to kill me.”

Benny smiles and Santiago has the slightly hysterical thought that this is what the devil looks like when he’s about to make a deal for someone’s soul.

“Hopefully not. There’s still a lot more I want to do to you.”

Forcing his thoughts into some type of order, Santiago gathers enough will power to keep the back and forth going, “to me or with me?”

Benny smiles. He puts each hand on one of Santiago’s knees and then propels himself up. He licks Santiago’s nose and then nuzzles it.

“What do you think?”

“Honestly? I think there’s very few things you could ask for right now that I’d say no to,” Santiago says, looking him in the eyes and Benny looks surprised for a couple seconds, before a smile breaks on his face.

“Yeah? I like the sound of that,” he says and then kisses Santiago. He’s really close to coming in his pants – well, figuratively speaking, considering they’re by his knees – and Benny just had his mouth on his dick, making the inside of his mouth have a weird taste, but this is the softest kiss they’ve shared to date.

What Santiago said, he meant it mostly about sex. But he finds that actually, it’s about a lot more than that. This is absolutely not the moment to start thinking too hard on what they’re doing, but Santiago finds himself with the strong wish to make sure that this is not the only time they do this. And that sex isn’t all they do.

Santiago wants to wake up next to Benny. He wants to hear all about what he’s been doing the past three years and what he wants for his future and he wants to tell him about being from two worlds – too gringo for Colombia, too brown for America.

They kiss for some more time before Benny pulls back. He’s smirking, “so, how do you want to do this?”

“What do you mean?” Santiago asks and his throat is back to feeling like he’s on a desert.

“Well, I could keep blowing you until you come. Which, by the way, I know won’t take all that long. Or I could fuck you. Or you could fuck me; I’m not picky,” he raises an eyebrow, “69 is always fun.”

Santiago groans and moves his head against Benny’s neck, who laughs. In retaliation, he bites him, which immediately gets him a moan. Of course Benny has a thing for pain.

Santiago wants to see how far it goes so he does it again. Finds a different spot on his neck, kisses it, then bites it, then licks it.

By the time he’s reaching his collarbone, Benny is back to rocking against him, though it doesn’t feel like a conscious move on his part.

It takes a few times but Santiago is able to open Benny’s jeans without moving away from his neck. He moves them down, Benny moving around to make it easier.

They both moan as they feel their dicks touching and Benny starts moving faster and harder on top of him, no longer an unconscious move.

Santiago moves both hands to his hips and starts moving his hips up with as much strength as he can muster.

“You know,” Benny says, slowly, word per word, not having enough air in his lungs to say it all at once, “this is going to end way too fast.”

“We got the whole night, what’s the rush,” Santiago says, also slowly.

Benny laughs, which turns to a moan halfway through. Despite his words, he is slowing down.

“You sure you can keep up, old man,” it’s a joke, Santiago knows it’s a joke but that doesn’t stop him from grabbing Benny by the hips, pulling him up and then down on the sofa, his head against the armrest. Santiago moves so that he’s between Benny’s legs and then resumes his movements.

They don’t talk after that. Santiago kisses Benny in between bites to the part of his chest that he can catch from pulling his t-shirt down. He’s pretty sure he’s making it looser, but he can’t be bothered to stop long enough for Benny to take it off.

Santiago comes first, immediately followed by Benny, after a stronger than usual bite on his collarbone.

Santiago falls on top of him, Benny making an oof sound from the impact.

“You’re heavy,” Benny says but doesn’t do anything to get him off, moving a hand to Santiago’s head, starting to play with his hair.

“It’s all muscle, baby,” Santiago says and Benny laughs. Santiago moves his head up so that he can see it, the way his eyes crinkle and how he can see that his teeth aren’t all that straight.

It takes a long time for Benny to stop. Every time Santiago thinks he’s done finding what he said amusing, there Benny goes again.

“You know, I’m already here with you, you don’t have to laugh at my stupid jokes. It really wasn’t that funny.”

“I’m sorry,” Benny says, anything but sorry, “I just never expected to hear that from you.”

“What, the muscle comment? Or the baby?”

“Both. But mostly the baby.”

“You don’t like it?” Santiago asks and moves a bit, making Benny moan from the contact.

“I didn’t say that. It was just unexpected.”

“So you wouldn’t mind if I called you baby again?”

Benny looks seriously at him. His hand passes his forehead, moving Santiago’s hair back, though it immediately goes back to its original place.

“You think you’re going to have a lot of opportunities to call me that?”

“I don’t know,” Santiago answers truthfully, “I’d like to.”

“Yeah?” Benny asks in a low tone and Santiago realizes that he’s nervous. That he wants this to mean more than just a one night-stand too but that he hadn’t been willing to put himself too much out there.

“Yeah,” he responds, more certain of this than he has been on anything in a long time.

“You can call me baby whenever you want. But I’m putting my foot down at being called anything to do with food.”

Santiago laughs against his neck, “I can live with that.”

Benny hums and Santiago leans back to look at him. Benny has his head resting against the back of the sofa, his eyelids dropping. He looks pretty satisfied with himself. Santiago can’t remember the last time he did this much smiling.

“How about we go to dinner tomorrow night?”

Benny’s eyes open, paying him more attention.

“Yeah, you want a fancy date?”

“Not really. Wherever you want to take me is fine.”

“But you’re not saying no to the date part?” Benny asks and he’s clearly trying to look nonchalant. But his hands are squeezing Santiago’s sides, giving him away.

Santiago bends down, kissing him softly, but quickly on the lips.

“Yeah, take me on a date, Benjamin Miller.”

“I thought you’d never ask,” Benny says in a joyful tone but Santiago knows there’s truth in it too. He doesn’t regret not pursuing him back when they were on active duty, but Santiago is also fully aware that if it were up to Benny, they would have been doing this for a lot longer.

“Better late than never, right?” Santiago whispers against Benny’s lips, not moving away. His back is going to hate him tomorrow, but he likes the intimacy.

“Yeah,” Benny concurs and then they’re kissing again. It’s soft and unhurried and Santiago sighs against Benny’s lips.

.

Santiago knocks on Fish’s door just after two.

“Good to see you, man,” Fish says with a smile after opening the door. He’s holding his daughter against his body, one arm under her bottom and both her eyes looking interestedly at Santiago.

He’d forgotten that when Fish talked about his new baby, he actually meant the little girl born over a year ago.

“What’s your name, little princess?” Santiago asks in a soft voice, offering his hand for inspection.

“She doesn’t do much talking yet. And you do know she’s not a dog, right?” Fish asks, good naturedly.

Santiago shrugs, “it’s polite to ask permission before touching someone.”

“Well, you got mine,” Fish says and offers the baby to Santiago, who immediately holds her with both arms. Their faces are close by.

Santiago walks inside the house and Fish closes the door behind them.

“Her name’s María de la Paz, but we just call her Paz.”

Santiago raises an eyebrow at that and Fish shrugs before answering the unsaid question, “her mom’s choice.”

“It’s a good name,” Santiago concurs and then in a silly voice turns to Paz, “yes, it is.”

“You want a beer?”

“Yeah, sure,” Santiago responds, not looking up from Paz, who is smiling at him. He makes stupid faces in response.

“Come on, the weather’s nice, we can sit in the patio.”

“You have a patio?” Santiago asks but dutifully follows Fish inside the kitchen, where he grabs two beer cans from the fridge, and then out the kitchen door to the patio.

It’s small but clearly well taken care of. The grass has recently been cut and there’s a barbeque stand by the fence and several lawn chairs around.

“Who knew family life would suit you this well?” Santiago asks as he sits down, careful not to jostle Paz, whose eyes are starting to close.

“Yeah, I’m real happy, man,” Fish tells him and Santiago looks away from Paz’ peaceful face to his and smiles.

“I can tell. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks,” Fish says and passes him a bottle. Santiago keeps one hand on Paz’ back and takes the beer with the other. They toast.

“It’s good to have you back, man.”

“It’s good to be back,” Santiago replies and takes a sip.

They’re silent after that. It’s not uncomfortable; Santiago can’t remember the last time he felt uncomfortable near Fish. Possibly during the first two minutes they met and didn’t know they both spoke Spanish, but even that he can’t remember.

Santiago mostly remembers a lot of mocking the gringos behind their backs in fast-paced Spanish and then one day they were on a mission and someone was speaking Spanish and before Santiago or Fish could step forward, Redfly was already taking care of the situation.

“Don’t worry,” he’d said once it was all done for, “I understand better than I speak it.”

Santiago didn’t think they’d ever get over getting owned quite so thoroughly.

“So, you and Benny, eh?”

“What the hell man, I’ve been back for a day,” Santiago says but can’t clamor up the energy to pretend to be annoyed.

Fish laughs, “should have told lover boy that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Santiago asks, furrowing his brows because yeah, Benny has always been a bit too honest, but Santiago really can’t see him as the type of person to text his friends with a “I just got laid” message.

Instead of verbally answering him, Fish moves a bit forward so that he can take his phone from his back pocket. He unlocks his phone and then after a few seconds passes it to Santiago.

It’s Instagram. Santiago doesn’t have an account there, but he knows enough about it to recognize what it is. It’s something Benny posted, his face clear even in the tiny circle of his profile picture and if not, then “BennyMiller84” would give it away.

It’s a picture from the sky. It’s blue and cloudless and the sun isn’t that high up, so it was taken in the morning, and there’s some trees at the edge of the picture. Santiago checks the date; it was posted that day. The description reads, “it’s a good day”.

Santiago turns to Fish with a raised brow, “so?”

“So, your boy has a pattern. When he gets laid, he posts pretty pictures of the landscape.”

Santiago blinks. Looks down at the phone, the screen having grown dark, and back to Fish, “how the hell did you figure it out?”

“Believe me, if he makes it obvious through social media, it’s actually ridiculous how smug and happy he looks when we meet.”

“’Still doesn’t mean it was me he was with last night,” Santiago offers, but doesn’t even try to make it all that believable.

Fish sends him a look that says louder than words can be, “bullshit.”

Santiago rolls his eyes, “yeah, so I was with him last night,” he passes the phone back to Fish. “I can’t believe you have Instagram.”

“Not all of us are old men. Do you even know what Facebook is?”

“Fuck off,” Santiago laughs, “I know what it is. I just don’t have it.”

“Even Redfly has an account. Though I think it was mostly to stalk his daughter’s friends. Mostly the male ones. He doesn’t even have to ask the CIA for a favor anymore.”

Santiago doesn’t reply to that. He had a Myspace account for a few years to keep in touch with friends and family, but nowadays all he has is an email account. He sees no point in putting so much of himself out there.

They’re back to being silent after that. Santiago continues to drink his beer and check on Paz, who is now soundly asleep. She’s drooling on his chest. Santiago knows it’s probably going to leave a mark, but he can’t be bothered to care. Certainly not enough to give her back to Fish.

“So,” Fish starts and Santiago glares at him.

“If you ask me how the night went, I’m throwing this can at you.”

Fish laughs, “don’t worry, I ain’t interested in the dirty details.” He pauses and Santiago waits him out in silence. Fish will either say what he wants to or he won’t. No point in trying to force it either way. “It’s been a long time coming, that’s all.”

Santiago makes a sound of agreement, but doesn’t really know what he’s supposed to say. He and Fish are close; they’ve had some real deep conversations, about family and fighting for a country who half the time wants to send them back to their countries, no matter the fact that they were both born on US soil, and going back for another tour or finally coming home.

But this thing he has with Benny… which is at a very early start, anyway, it feels private. Santiago still has to clear up his thoughts about it, and the first one who deserves to hear about them is Benny.

“I just want to say that I’m happy, if you’re happy. You know that, right?” Fish finally says and Santiago looks him in the eyes and smiles.

“I never doubted it for a second, brother,” he answers in Spanish and leans to the side so that he can give Fish’s arm a quick squeeze.

Fish goes and gets each of them another can of beer. Santiago thinks about asking him about the coke, but instead asks about his wife. Fish will open up if he wants to.

.

Benny doesn’t tell him where they’re going. Just to dress nicely and that he would be picking him up at 8pm sharp.

Santiago didn’t exactly bring a lot of stuff with him from Colombia – he just donated most of it; couldn’t be bothered with the packing, plus the cost to send it all the way to the US – but he does have a white button down and a pair of black trousers that he thinks will fit the occasion. He doesn’t even own a tie anymore, but he figures Benny won’t take him to a place that requires one anyway.

Though Benny has been known to surprise.

Santiago is standing outside his hotel six minutes to eight and two minutes after that, Benny is passing through in his car.

“You’re early,” Santiago says, once he’s inside the car. He wonders if he should kiss Benny hello, but Benny just starts driving.

“So are you,” Benny responds and Santiago hums.

“How was your day?” He asks and Benny shrugs.

“Same old. Got my ass squeezed a couple times by women old enough to be my mother.”

Santiago scrunches his nose at that, “you shouldn’t have to deal with harassment.”

“I know,” Benny says and turns his eyes to Santiago, “I know.” He turns back to the road in front of them, “but it’s good money. And they really don’t go farther than that.”

“Still,” Santiago says but lets the conversation drop. If Benny wanted out of the job, he would have done it already.

“And you?” Santiago makes a questioning sound, having lost track of the conversation, “how was your day?”

“’Went to visit Fish and his kid. She’s cute,” Santiago says and can’t help but to smile at the memory of her tiny fists against his body, the way she smelled, unlike any adult body he’d ever been near.

Benny laughs, “yeah, Paz is a cutie. ‘Can’t wait for Fish to gain white hairs when she hits puberty.”

Santiago laughs too, already picturing it.

The only sound that can be heard for the remaining ten minutes of the drive is the music coming from the local radio station. Santiago doesn’t mind the lack of talking. The previous day there had been some type of electric energy between them, ready to be discharged, but now… He just feels really comfortable. Like this is where he’s supposed to be.

Benny parks behind an Italian restaurant.

“This food is gonna blow your mind,” Benny promises as they walk around the restaurant to reach the entrance. Their shoulders keep bumping and Santiago thinks that on the ride home he’ll put his hand on Benny’s tight. Not with the intuit of it leading to more, just because he likes the contact.

Santiago hums his agreement. Benny could have taken him to eat a hot dog at a random stand and Santiago would still have been cool with the plan. Still, it means something that Benny is making an effort.

The restaurant isn’t full but Benny had still made a reservation, just in case. Santiago smiles as he’d told this; he likes how much thought Benny has put into their date.

They’re led to a table by a window. The view is nothing special, but it’s still nice to be near one and not in the middle of the room. Santiago wonders if Benny requested this too.

“Is there anything I can get you while you choose?” Their waiter asks and they both shake their heads. They’re left alone with the menus on their hands.

“So, what do you recommend?” Santiago asks.

“Literally everything, man. But I feel like pizza. You?”

“Carbonara,” Santiago answers and Benny shakes his head.

“You always go for that.”

Santiago shrugs, “it’s traditional for a reason.”

“Right. You wanna pick the wine?”

“I’ve learnt a lot in Colombia. What makes a good wine isn’t one of them.”

“You’re talking to someone who used to drink wine from a carton. I definitely don’t know what to ask for,” Benny says and Santiago laughs. He remembers that.

Once the waiter is back, they let him choose the wine and then they’re alone again.

Benny is looking attentively at Santiago.

“I’m really glad you’re back,” he finally says and Santiago feels his hand twitch. He’d forgotten just how intense Benny could be when he wanted.

He’d always been the kid of their squad. The youngest one, the one that they all wanted to keep just a bit more innocent than them.

But this was also the man who managed to get into his brother’s squad, even though he didn’t have nearly as good as a record, being a few years behind. But he’d promised they wouldn’t regret it and had proven himself over a dozen times.

“I’m glad you asked me out,” is what Santiago replies. Benny smiles. He looks a bit older than the last time Santiago saw him, but not by much. He has a beard where he didn’t use to, but his eyes are the same.

Benny moves so that his hand is on top of Santiago’s and Santiago interlaces their fingers. He can’t remember the last time he did something so sappy but he doesn’t care. This is what he wants to do and he’ll keep doing it for as long as Benny lets him.

 


End file.
